In 2015, at the height of the Syrian war, I read an Facebook message extolling the virtue of god and the righteous belief that gods children would be protected. The post made me quite angry as it also went on to extol the virtue of being born American. The author of the post has completely dismissed the reason why children were being slaughtered in Syria; the piece, in its attempt to show how god and christian values in America were the building blocks of a safe world, completely dismissed the reality of the situation for those cowering in cellars under American bombs. What angered me more was the response to this drivel by equally deluded christian types; and then I passed a sign on my way into my local town which set me off and put me in rant mode.
To counter this religious ‘love in’ I wrote a response and thankfully, received a barrage of abuse from those very same religious, god is love people. Exactly what I wanted…..
This is what I wrote:
“Not too many things annoy me but whenever I drive into town I pass a sign by a prominent church that changes from time to time.
The latest version proclaims “God Gave Me You” ……no, no, no what gave me you; was a bottle of wine, an expensive meal and the enormous amount of bullshit I spouted about the rights of women, all designed to make you think I’m a new age metro sexual and not just wanting to get into your pants; it didn’t work and …that’s what gave me you.
And it bugged me. As a matter of fact, most God botherers bug me. I’m an atheist, not because I’m lazy, but because I’ve studied it, I’ve visited Jerusalem, walked the ‘Stations of the Cross’, read theologically based books, listened to sermons…all of which allowed me the conclude that its a load of nonsense. I get and understand the social need for religion and the chaos that would ensue if religion didn’t exist but what I don’t get, is that intelligent people take that one step too far and believe that an all powerful god actually exists and by worshiping this ‘thing’, their lives are enhanced and enshrined beyond those who don’t. They treat this thing called religion as a private club, where if you’re not a member, you cant take advantage of the benefits….such as eternal life, a wafer and a slug of red every sunday.
I look at it this way; if religion were a business, God would be the CEO and Jesus, head of sales. In his time, Jesus wasn’t doing the job of selling Christianity to the masses even with his burning bush and loaves to fishes tricks, so he needed a grand gesture, like a ‘two for one’ sale. Pissing the Romans off was his way in; Let me set the scene
Jesus to Roman “I’m the son of God”
Roman: Piss off Jesus, and enough of that son of god shite, you’re upsetting the locals.
Jesus: I AM the son of God!
Roman: Listen, any more of that and you’re in deep shit.
Jesus: I’m the son of God.
Roman: Right! whats the matter with you, I’m not telling you again!!
Jesus: I’m the son of god.
Roman: RIGHT, you fucking idiot, you’re a carpenter, knock this cross up and lets see how you get on!!
….and the greatest story ever retold badly had begun, the head of sales had cracked it…but it is annoying that in the modern world we still effectively believe that rather than an effective political figure, Jesus; who I have no doubt existed; morphed into the son of God. In the 21st century we still believe in fairies at the bottom of the garden.
God is Love….. tell that to the child with cancer, the oppressed, the poor and the disabled. Tell that to the children cowering in dusty and darkened cellars as bombs rain down. I still don’t get it; but its just my thoughts on the matter….”
I don’t expect anyone to learn anything from me, I only write to provoke a response from those I can then deride because by writing something that annoys certain groups, I get immense fun out of the spit and vitriol it can muster in some.
Rant part two…I cant put it down
I then remembered an incident from a couple of years previously that still brings a smile to my face. There are some things that you know you can never repeat and others that people will never believe happened…but this did….
I’m trying to get away from religion but it seems to lurk around me like a bad smell. This week I watched a documentary on Netfilx, it was about an amazing magician by the name of James Randi, the program is called ‘An Honest Liar’, I would urge anyone who hasn’t seen it to take a look. Randi was a world class illusionist ranked up there with Houdini. In the documentary, Randi as he was commonly known, displays his contempt for those who claim healing, faith healing or religious properties. He also proves as charlatans, those who take illusion and sell it as something more powerful. Cunts like Uri Geller, who by any stretch of a sympathetic appraisal is a sanctimonious twat, Randi made it his lifes work to debunk these contemptuous fakes, many of whom have made millions from the stupid, deluded and religious (the first two descriptions usually add up to the latter).
Randi successfully achieved this exposure in thoughtful scientific experiments and complex ruses, I achieved it with an act of childish, infantile, irresponsibility….
let me tell you about it because thinking of it to this day still makes me laugh out loud.
As some will know, I spent many years as a professional photographer, working with household names in music. About 10 years ago, I was contracted to shoot a week long series at the famous Earls Court Arena for Pink Floyd or Peter Gabriel, I cant recall the act. By night three, I had shot what I needed and spent the concert hours backstage with the production crew talking about anything other than music.
Earls Court is divided into Earls Court One and Earls Court two, joined by a fire door which I and (I will call him Dave as he now commands a position of great importance and I don’t wish to tar him with my infantile brush) discovered led to the other side of Earls Court. In this vast auditorium we were confronted with the most extraordinary spectacle.
The room was filled with well dressed men and women, principally black; dancing, screaming, hollering, waving their arms about, falling to the floor and screaming gibberish. On stage was a big black man, sweating like a pedophile in a boys home, admonishing his frantic audience to greater heights. Dave and I, hunkered down at the back of the auditorium were mesmerized, it was by any standard; a remarkable display.
After some time of this nonsense, without urging his audience to do so, a line of swaying people, some helping others, formed a queue and were led on stage whereby this huffing puffing (I think his name was somebody Thomas, maybe I’m wrong but that comes to mind) big black man would launch himself at one of these quivering wrecks, clutching their head and pushing them to the ground whereby whatever malady they had 30 seconds prior was suddenly a thing of the past and they wandered off in a bemused stupor but in full belief that the ‘power of god’ had cured them. It was too good an opportunity for someone burdened with the mind of a 12 year old to pass by.
By the fire exit in the backstage area, the St Johns Ambulance had their kit, part of which was a wheelchair. The ensuing dialogue when something like this “Get in Dave, were off fuck off, shuddup Dave, get in the fucking wheelchair, you me on stage, this is too good”. I flung Dave in the wheelchair and pushed toward the distant stage. I had no idea how far we would get, but the stage loomed ever nearer until we were flanked by two enormous and very sympathetic “helpers”. We were now in too deep to leave, Dave (who looks a little retarded anyway) was nervously sitting limply in the chair, I was in discussion with one of the helpers about what troubled Dave and suddenly we were there….the edge of the stage.
Strangely, there was no wheelchair access to the stage and so the two very kind but very large helpers hoisted Dave and chair on stage and we edged our way toward this very large black man, sweat raining from his neck and head. We had no contingency plan, I had no concept that we would actually have made it to the stage, I had no idea what would happen when the big black man clamped his sweaty palm on Dave, we were freestyling, with no idea of where this was going or how it would end……
Where it went was both painful and (to my mind anyway) very, very funny.
The big black man lunged at Dave showering him in sweat, screaming some bullshit about gods will and how Daves wheelchair was an implement of the devil; ….what Dave did next stunned even me.
After a second, he leapt from the wheelchair and performed a kind of poorly executed pub version of an irish jig across the stage, until that was, he was crash tackled by one of our kindly helpers who had transformed in the blink of an eye from “helper” to “thug”. Our game was up….Dave and I had our arms twisted behind out backs and frog marched to another exit and literally hoisted and thrown into a bundle of arms and legs on the Brompton Road pavement.
You know when laughter takes over every muscle of your body and you are incapable of even the most rudimentary movement? I was rendered in this state whist Dave stood over me, howling with laughter calling me a stupid cunt, a fucking idiot, punching me, falling over me as we both were rendered hopeless. No-one could have imagines we would make it to the stage, Dave had no idea what he would do, the irish jig was just a spur of the moment gut reaction.
In our stupor we became aware of the door opening and watched helplessly as the airborne wheelchair crashed on us knocking Dave to the pavement causing us to reach another level of screaming stupor.
These are moments one never forget.
It was my version of a scientific experiment but James Randi does it in “An Honest Liar” with so much more panache and reminded me of this moment of life, watch his documentary, its life affirming.
Brilliant…..fuck me…..an Irish Jig…..too good….Daves such a cunt!
rant 